On To The Other Side

I’ve been meaning to write about his for a few days now, but I put it off because I was afraid that I might change my mind. But I have been dwelling on it and as with most of my postings, I experienced a catalyst that has helped me see things clearly.

I actually wrote this whist I was out running. Trail running, through a jungle, next to a reservoir. It was an early morning run and as the sun rose, the tall trees around me blocked the big bright sun from shining down on me. So despite the brightness surrounding me, I was in the dark. I found it ironic. And so I wrote this, in my head as I continued to run, and I’ve been meaning to put it down but just didn’t get around to it. But then, as if on cue, the catalyst that I needed presented itself.


If it doesn’t kill you it makes you stronger. At least that’s what they say. I’ll admit, I’ve said it too. I think it’s something we say when we have nothing else to say. When we see suffering and suddenly realise that no words can alleviate the pain. And so, we say it. Because we think it provides comfort. Because we think it will instil hope. Because we try to feign understanding. But truthfully, I think it’s because we have nothing else to say.

Anyways, I think that quote is incomplete. I think it really should be “If it doesn’t kill you, it’ll make you stronger… but I’ll also leave a bloody big scar”.

I can say this because I have lived it. I have experienced pain without bleeding, been to the darkest corner of my inner self and wallowed in my own misery. And the people around me, bless them, have had to endure me.

Everything happens for a reason. Now this I believe in. Even through everything that was going on, I believed that one day, I would be able to look back and understand just why it happened. That hasn’t happened yet. But what has happened is that I understand the reason for my misery.

She wasn’t just a flesh wound. If she had been a simple flesh wound, the bleeding would have stopped, a scab would have formed, and one day the scab would have fallen off, unnoticed. And when I suddenly remembered it, I would have to strain to look for signs of a scab ever existing in the first place.

But she wasn’t just a flesh wound. She was my soul mate. If you could take two souls, mash them up and then pour half into one being, that would be me. I was one half, and she was my other. That’s how I felt about her.

And so when it ended, I was left with the unfamiliar predicament of how to remove one half of someone that is intertwined within you. When the love that kept the other half within me alive ended, that half within me died. That half of me slowly turned toxic and began to eat away at me from the inside, corroding my soul. Thus, I spent the last year breathing but not living, hurting but not bleeding, awake but still asleep.

But everything happens for a reason. And whilst I don’t yet know why things turned out the way they did, I do know why I had to endure what I did. And that is because it is the only way to purge another soul from within you.

Imagine a surgeon cutting away cancerous parts of flesh, filtering toxic blood and scraping disease off the bone. And even after it’s all been ripped out of you and you’ve been sewn up again, even though it’s all gone, you are still half empty inside. That void, remains.

Can you blame love? No. On the contrary, I feel blessed. Blessed to know that I am capable of such deep emotion. Capable of opening myself up to someone. And blessed to have felt what it is like to be loved so deeply from within. Yes, I cherish the memories of being so deeply in love and even if I could go back in time and start again, even if I knew in advance how it would end and the pain that I would have to endure, I would do it again in a heartbeat.

The real question is what has changed? What is it about now, that is different from the past 12 months that has led me to where I am. Able to stand back, look at things as they are and realise that it’s time to start moving forward. Able to feel, to feel alive and embrace this new energy within me that is growing and pulling me forward. To be awake, I feel like I’ve just woken up from the deepest sleep and for the first time in a long time I am ready to start the day.

I don’t really know what has changed, but what I do know is that my catalyst had something to do with it. And the catalyst that triggered all of this was, funnily enough the crushing of hope. Yes, the ending of hope, delivered by the most unlikely of guardian angels. It was that very sting of truth that provided the jolt that I needed.

Everything does happen for a reason. I can’t tell you why I felt the way I felt for such a long period. I don’t even know if it is considered long, maybe to some but perhaps not to others. But what I do know is that I felt what I felt for a reason. Just like when I fell in love. I did not choose to fall in love, it just happened and I embraced it. Likewise, I did not choose such sadness, but that too I embraced. And it has served its purpose.

So, it turns out I wasn’t running in the dark after all. I was actually just sheltered from the bright rays of the sun that would have made the run more painful than it needed to be. But I’m almost finished and I can see the end of the tree line. In the brightness, the green grass is soaking up the sun and the reservoir water looks inviting. And me, with my scars hidden under my running vest, I’m taking large strides towards the sunlight.

"Everybody hurts sometimes, everybody cries,

And everybody hurts sometimes." - R.E.M.