Teardrops

You hit me and it hurts

I look up and stare into your eyes

It’s cold, blank and empty

The ringing is subsiding

I take your outstretched hand and stand up

You help me up

You kick me and I stumble backwards

The pain shoots through my body and explodes in my head

My eyes water

I grit my teeth and breathe hard. I am suppressing the tears

I will not cry

I will not let you see me cry

You are walking towards me

I do not move, there is no point running

I tense every muscle in my body and brace myself

This time you come at me with your fists

The first blow strikes me across the face

I hear a crack and another wave of pain makes me shiver

The next blow sends my head swinging the other way

I do not feel this one, but the room dims for a moment

The ringing drowns out the sound of my voice

I feel warmth. It washes over my body.

It feels nice. I try to smile but it hurts my face

I taste it. Blood

You touch me and I flinch

You are wiping the blood off my face

I try to look into your eyes but everything is hazy

I feel your fingers grip my neck

They are trembling and I can sense your rage

But I will not cry

Your nails pierce my skin

Instinctively I gasp for air

I can barely suck it in

My vision blurs and I can’t swallow

My head is getting lighter and I fight to keep my eyes open

I feel like I’m flying

You throw me across the room and I slam into the wall

My head throbs in agony

I can’t stand up anymore

I slump to the floor

I will not cry

I will still, not, let you see me cry

I try to curl up

But I barely manage to pull my knees to my chest

You foot strikes me in the stomach and I feel your toes touch my spine

Your elbow crashes into my ear and there is no sound

Your knee whacks my jaw and another crack echoes

Your nails rake across my bare skin and tear into my flesh

The pounding starts.

Your kicks, your punches, your blows

Rain down on me like a monsoon of madness

I will not give in, I will not

I cannot give in, I cannot

I cry

You see me cry

To Borrow A Phrase

I didn't write this but I wish I did. It eptomises everything that I have to say about something I don't want to talk about:

I know I can't take one more step close to you

Cause all that's waiting is regret

And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore

You lost the love I loved the most

I've learned to live half alive

And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are

Running 'round leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

So don't come back for me

Who do you think you are

It's actually lyrics from the song "Jar Of Hearts" by Christina Perri. The song itself was written by  Christina Perri together with Drew Lawrence Barrett Yeretsian. 

It's a very moving song and she is extremely talented. Here's the music video so you can judge for yourself

The Annual Song and Dance

And so, another year goes by. And for the second consecutive year, I wished I could avoid the rituals and routines that we practice at every birthday. I know the tune, the song and the dance. And I even know how it ends. In disappointment. There is nothing that I want, or maybe there is nothing that I feel that I want. And a person who wants nothing is akin to standing on a ledge.

But despite this I do believe in the universe. And I do believe that it is constantly working, invisibly, in the background, ensuring that everything happens for a reason. This has certainly been put to the test, as I've tumbled from one inglorious encounter to another. I feel like it's trampled over me so much over the past few years that I am near numb to it's insults.

But then there was the night before my birthday. A total random series of events that was triggered by yet another failed encounter that ended with the biggest blow that it's dealt me in a while. But because of that I ended up in a place where I should not have been and met with a group of people that I would normally not have, and in the end, despite a last kick in the shin the universe threw me a bone, in the form of a chance encounter.

I say chance because there are many variables in the permutation of life that could have led to many alternative scenarios. But in this instance, the universe aligned itself for the first time in 8 years, and it happened.

The universe. Oh how you have toyed with me and had your way at my expense. And to borrow an analogy: Just when I felt like I had one foot dangling off the rooftop, ready to jump off, you surprised me.

You delivered unto me a moment in time that I would frame and put on display. So much so that wish i could freeze myself in time and relive it over and over again.

Regardless of how this event will eventually pan out, the initial moment has made me - again to borrow an analogy: step back off the ledge and come inside.

You've now aroused my curiosity and for that reason alone it'll be worth sticking around and see how it plays out. You do work in mysterious ways. And now you've dangled something in front of me that I want.

My Heart

I recently found out I have a weak heart. I suspected it for a while but I finally found out for certain. I ran my first half marathon with a heart rate monitor and it turned out to be pretty alarming.

The common way for determining your maximum heart rate is to minus you age from 220. So technically my maximum heart rate should be 187 beats per minute (bpm). My heart rate was well below that for the first 15km or so, but then as I started to tire I noticed it started to increase. As I pushed on past the 17 km mark, I was at 185bpm.

By the 19 km mark I was well into the 190bpm zone and rising. The final 1 km was the hardest. I was tired but determined to keep up my pace, and so my heart rate went into the 200bpm zone. As I approached the finish line I was aiming to finish under 2 hours, which was my personal target, so I sprinted the last 300m or so. I felt fine, I felt I was pouring every ounce of energy into powering my legs to the finish. I made it across the line in 2h 00m 02!

So close, yet so far.

But here’s when I noticed that my heart rate had peaked at 205bpm and then I felt my heart pounding against my chest. It was alarming because it felt like it wanted to burst through and escape. It took close to an hour before it came down to my resting heart rate.

My housemate who also happens to be a cardiothoracic surgeon in the making said it’s never a good sign when your heart rate exceeds 200bpm. I brought it up with my running coach and he suggested a few exercises to build up my heart’s resilience.

I always though that saying you were heartbroken was just a metaphor, but maybe there’s more to it. My poor heart is so bruised and battered that it can’t even handle me doing the only thing that helps me escape.

The silver lining is that whilst I can’t do much about the emotional scaring, I can certainly do something about getting it physically stronger than it currently is. Here’s to hoping it works.

I Know You

What leads to inspiration? A person, an event, a place, a moment in time? The list is endless, but on this occasion it was a plane ride, over the Indian Ocean under the cloak of darkness, after an exhausting week of being completely submerged in work. A change is on the horizon, i can feel it. But on my way there... 

I know you

I know you.

And I know you know me.

I recognized you the moment I saw you

And I know that you saw me staring at you

You moved closer.

And I stopped, frozen in my footsteps

You were coming closer and I had no idea what to do

So I looked away and continued working,

Conscious you were heading my way.

But I’m done for now, I’ve got no more excuses

I can’t avoid it any longer, so I look up

And there you are, standing right in front of me.

I see you.

And I see you looking straight at me.

You smile and a sense of familiarity washes over me

It’s been so long but I haven’t forgotten a single feature on your face

Your skin looks as smooth and as fair as I remember it,

Your hair is different from when we last met

It has changed, as have you too

But looking into your eyes tell me everything I need to know about you

There is no uncomfortable silence as we stand in front of each other,

We are speaking without talking.

We are listening although there is nothing to hear

We are dancing without moving our feet

I always knew you would come back,

I don’t know how or why, but even when it seemed most unlikely

I knew you would return.

Which is why I’ve been preparing myself for this day

But I didn’t expect this moment to come so soon.

Do I want you back?

Do I need you back?

Should I let you back?

These are pointless questions

You are here,

And from the look on your face you are determined to stay

The shock of seeing you has now passed

I breathe out

You smile at me and I can’t help but look at your lips.

I’m drawn to you

After all, I know you.

I know what’s going to happen next, we both do.

You are about to kiss me

I see your hand reaching out for mine.

You take my hand in yours and a shiver runs through my body

Your touch is so cold.

Or maybe it’s me

Maybe this is how the first touch after so very long feels like

I’m drawn closer to you and your hands are around me

I wrap my hands around you and pull you close, seeking the warmth of our embrace

I can hear your heartbeat

I can feel your breath on my skin

I can smell the scent of your perfume

Our eyes haven’t left each other,

Everything I’ve wanted to say to you, they have done that for me

And I can see that you have listened to every word.

You know my past, and you know my pain

You understand me

You move your face right in front of me

Our foreheads rest against each other

I am drawn to you.

You kiss me. I kiss you.

We kiss

Your lips are cold

Your tongue is rough

And a bitter taste fills my mouth

Your emptiness pours into my body

But I am locked in your embrace and I can’t find the strength to fight you

I know you, and I know you know me too

I know the misery and despair that you bring

But there is some comfort in your cold embrace

It reminds me of how much I was able to give

It reminds me of how deep I was willing to surrender

It prepares me for the next time when I will do it all over again

I allow you to hold me

I allow you to touch me

I allow you to caress me

There are no words to describe what you do

But you have a name and I shall call you by it

Loneliness.